Josh Greiner
We have all been there at some point in our counseling ministry: the counselee across from you is a disappointment. You came to the counseling session with plenty of preparation, energy, and prayer. You invested time thinking through what passages to review and what books to work through, and you even prayed for this counselee.
The first week or two did not go well. Maybe they completed some of the homework, or maybe they did none. Now, a few weeks in, you are faced with a counselee who is simply not putting in the effort. You are unsure what to do.
You notice your emotions beginning to surface: anger, frustration, despair, or annoyance—pick your negative emotion. Instead of acting with purpose, you find yourself reacting to the situation.
Every case is different, but here are five steps to guide you:
Step 1: Remember That God Is Working on Your Heart
We are poor multitaskers, but God is not. He is working in your counselee’s life and in yours. If you find yourself frustrated with a counselee, consider what God might be doing in you.
When those emotions bubble up, take the opportunity to examine your heart. What might God be teaching you? As counselors, our goal is to help those we counsel become more like Christ. But what if God is using them to make us more like Christ?
Christ was never flustered by the shortcomings of others. He perfectly chose how to respond in every situation. When His disciples disappointed Him, He still responded with grace and wisdom.
Instead of letting negative emotions swirl unchecked, pause and ask yourself: What is God trying to teach me in this situation? Perhaps He is cultivating patience, compassion, or even perseverance in you. Maybe He is calling you to endure for His glory. Though 1 Peter 4:12-13 speaks of suffering for Christ more broadly, it applies here too.
Step 2: Remember Your Goal Is to Serve This Person
In counseling, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that we are there to serve. Your primary role is not that of a great teacher or a perfect problem-solver but a servant of the Chief Shepherd. When you adopt the mindset of a servant, patience and humility naturally follow.
Sometimes, pride creeps into our hearts. We may feel elevated by the perception that we “have it all together.” But as 1 Corinthians 8:1 reminds us, “Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies.”
When faced with a disappointing counselee, ask yourself if you are truly viewing this as an opportunity to serve. Simply showing up prepared does not automatically make you a servant. Ask yourself: What would radical Christlike service look like in this moment? Viewing yourself as a servant will strip away pride and recalibrate your heart for ministry.
Step 3: Put the Onus on Yourself
Counselees don’t come to counseling to be scolded or reminded of their failures. They come because they believe that the Bible offers solutions and that you can help them apply God’s Word to their lives.
As a counselor, you must adopt the mindset of a creative problem-solver. This means immersing yourself in their lives, gathering data, identifying roadblocks, and understanding their struggles. While this work is exhausting, it is necessary.
Matthew 7:3-5 calls us to examine the log in our own eye before addressing the speck in someone else’s. In counseling, start with the mindset that you might need to adjust your approach. This doesn’t mean you are solely at fault, but it does mean asking where you can improve.
Take ownership of finding solutions. Collaborate with your counselee, and bring hard work and creativity to finding a way forward.
Step 4: Refuse to Let Negative Emotions Rule
God gave us emotions to reveal the state of our hearts. While positive emotions like joy in your counselee can be powerful tools, negative emotions—frustration, anger, annoyance—rarely serve a constructive purpose in counseling.
Our emotions often stem from how we interpret situations, and it is foolish pride to assume we always interpret things correctly. Expressing frustration or disappointment to your counselee rarely motivates them toward Christlikeness. It often reinforces their discouragement.
When negative emotions arise, remind yourself that you are just as frail and sinful as your counselee. Their shortcomings pale in comparison to how we have failed Christ, yet He extends grace to us.
Ephesians 4:29 calls us to ensure that only what is beneficial comes out of our mouths. That’s a high standard, especially for counselors. Rarely does expressing frustration to a counselee result in edification. Paul could admonish the Corinthian church (1 Corinthians 6:5) with an authority we do not have, and we should be slower to do the same.
Step 5: Change Your Approach
If your approach isn’t working and you haven’t adjusted it, you are not counseling effectively. This doesn’t mean abandoning the core principles of biblical counseling—data gathering, teaching Scripture, and assigning homework—but it does mean applying them differently to meet the needs of this specific individual.
Begin by praying with your counselee during the session. Admit your own weakness and ask for God’s help together. Revisit the fundamentals, clarify what is essential, and work together to find more effective ways to help.
No amount of training, certification, or experience guarantees success in every case. Remember, each person is uniquely made in the image of God, and each case requires humility and adaptability.
Conclusion
Ultimately, there will still be counselees who don’t progress as we hope. This article does not suggest that the counselee is always right or that the counselor is always wrong. However, we must be slow to assume that the counselee is the problem.
By focusing first on our own failures, weaknesses, and tendencies, we grow to be more like Christ. And in doing so, we might just see a few more counselees finish counseling well.
